


I've Only Ever Wanted This With You

by kyluxicle (LadyCamillus), oorsprong



Category: Star Wars Episode VII: The Force Awakens (2015)
Genre: Anal Fingering, Anal Sex, Angst with a Happy Ending, Blow Jobs, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Post-Canon, reverse cowboy, situational depression
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-06-13
Updated: 2016-06-13
Packaged: 2018-07-14 18:24:04
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,236
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7185110
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LadyCamillus/pseuds/kyluxicle, https://archiveofourown.org/users/oorsprong/pseuds/oorsprong
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>“It’s my fate to be alone,” Ren mumbled against his hair. “Snoke told me. That’s why I had to kill Solo. It’s easy when you hate someone; knowing you’ll never see them again because of what you’ve done. Mm… not really easy I suppose but… necessary,” he realized he was rambling but he couldn’t stop. “It hurt, but it was necessary. Wasn’t even supposed to hurt maybe, what do I know? Now I’m having someone else taken from me and I resent it.”</p>
<p>He hooked a leg around Hux, drew him in as close as possible.</p>
<p>“So it doesn’t matter what happens now. If I can’t have it forever I can at least have it until I can’t.”</p>
            </blockquote>





	I've Only Ever Wanted This With You

**Author's Note:**

> A collaborative effort between [myself](https://kyluxicle.tumblr.com) and the lovely [gentleman-caller](https://gentleman-caller.tumblr.com/)! This is the first time I've written a collaborative fic that wasn't role play, and she was wonderful in walking me through the process <3
> 
> I hope you all enjoy!
> 
> 6/16 update: Squire did some AMAZING art for this fic, please check it out on her tumblr [here](http://sinningsquire.tumblr.com/post/146022747476/sinningsquire-here-look-im-begging-this)

Kylo Ren stood on the bridge of the Finalizer, gazing out over the star field expanding in front of them. Despite being only halfway through the day cycle, the bridge was quiet. Only the necessary operators were present to keep the ship functioning. It had been just over a week since Starkiller Base had been destroyed, and despite Supreme Leader Snoke’s call for Ren’s presence, he had yet to contact them with a location. In the meantime, the First Order was left to regroup and pull together the tattered remains of their pride and forces.

 

No one had anticipated this level of decimation to the Order and their plans, but in the event that they did suffer an attack, Ren had always assumed that they would rebound more quickly than this. He had been sure that Hux would’ve immediately been there with plans B, C, and D.

 

But he wasn’t.

 

The general had been sullen and withdrawn from the moment he was reassured of Ren’s health. When he had first saved Ren from the crumbling planet, he was a constant presences by his side in medbay, never straying farther than the refresher and ignoring all request for orders until Ren’s condition was stable. The kiss that they had shared after Ren woke up was full of a relief that neither of them acknowledged: a relief born of the fear that they had lost the other for good.

 

Ren wasn’t sure exactly where they stood with one another. They had been sleeping together for two months before everything had gone to hell. It had started as quick fucks filled with as much hate as genuine affection. Slowly though, it had shifted and melted into something softer—something that ended in nights pressed closely together and mornings filled with soft kisses and gentle touches. They had yet to acknowledge that either.

 

Now, despite being together again, Ren felt himself losing Hux. It had started with a cloying shroud of resignation that weighed down the air around him and left a bitter taste in Ren’s mouth. The general had outwardly appeared his usual, imposing self, but there was less drive in his commands and his eyes had lost their fire. He stopped making appearances on the bridge,  choosing to work from his office and sending commands through commlinks and messages. When Ren tried to visit him there, he was refused access. In a flare of frustration he almost broke down the door, but had stopped himself. He didn’t have any claim over Hux. But this reclusive behavior was so unlike him that he was beginning to worry. He could lie to himself, say it was out of concern for the Order, but he knew that he had become dangerously attached to Hux. Attachments were a liability and yet he did nothing to try to change or block his growing feelings for the general.

 

Last night was the first night that Hux had turned his back on Kylo as they laid down to sleep. There’d been no sex, and his feedback showed a clear desire to be left alone. Kylo had honored that desire, and felt the loss of Hux’s heat acutely.

 

Today was the same as the other days. Hux never appeared on the bridge, there were no new plans to reclaim glory for First Order, and a heavy feeling of exhausted defeat clung to the halls of the Finalizer.

 

Tonight Kylo would confront Hux, and find out what was going on.

 

When Hux returned to his quarters after a day spent gods knew where, Ren was already sitting on the bed waiting for him. To Kylo it looked as though he barely registered his presence as he began his evening routine of getting ready for bed.

 

“Hux,” he said softly, hating the almost-pleading tone he’d adopted.

 

Hux froze with his jacket halfway down his arms and looked towards Ren without meeting his eyes. He seemed to have stopped breathing, waiting for something to drop, and Kylo’s brows knit together as he clenched his teeth. The silence, the hesitation, the _timidness_ that he was getting from Hux—none of it belonged. After a few tense seconds, a sigh passed through Hux’s lips and he finished removing his jacket, hanging it up in his closet with precision. At least that was the same.

 

Ren waited to be acknowledged. He had been patient and he could remain patient. Though he vowed that regardless of what happened it would be resolved tonight. He would not let another day pass without Hux giving voice to whatever was clearly troubling him.

 

_Why won’t you talk to me?_

 

Hux wouldn’t hear his plea but Ren reached for him anyway, asking wordlessly as he sat there with his gaze boring into the man.

 

He brushed against Hux’s mind as gently as he could and was immediately hit with an overwhelming feeling of resignation. The emotion almost made him physically recoil before he tried to instill a sense of calm into him. Hux’s head snapped up and he looked at Kylo for the first time since entering the room, fixing him with a glare that would have cowed a lesser man.

 

_You are not allowed in my head_ , he projected harshly at Ren, and then fortified his thoughts so that Kylo’s reach rolled off of his mind like smoke. The knight had the ability to push past those barriers, but not without hurting Hux.

 

The general shivered slightly as he finished stripping, taking more time than necessary to hang and fold each piece of his uniform accordingly. From a drawer, he pulled out a loose pair of sleep pants and stepped into them, ignoring Kylo again as he made his way to the refresher.

 

Ren leaned forward and closed his eyes. Why couldn’t Hux see that it was taking everything inside him to keep from lashing out in anger? Or did he simply not care?

There were options here; always options. When he lived at the school he’d been taught…

 

_No._

 

The lesson could help but it would bring back the memory. Unacceptable. He’d have to meet Hux on his own terms.  As soon as the general emerged he stood and took a step towards him.

 

“You haven’t kicked me out. What the hell am I doing here if you won’t talk to me? You aren’t the only one–”

 

His voice had taken on dangerous tone and he forced himself back to calm.

 

“You are _not_ the only one suffering here.”

 

Hux looked upon him with contempt, the expression pushing Kylo that much closer to his breaking point.

 

“Do you think I’m not aware of that?” Hux hissed out at him. “I didn’t ask for your pity, and am under no obligation to make you privy to everything that I feel. Were you waiting for me to kick you out? You have your own quarters, Ren. You are welcome to go back to them at any time.”

 

“I don’t pity you,” Ren muttered. “You’re so self-centered, you know that? You think I came here to feel sorry for you? Maybe _I_ wanted someone to talk to. Did you ever think of that?”

 

He put a weary hand to his forehead; raked his fingers through his hair.

 

“I hate you. I hate that you did this to me. I can’t even worry about myself without dragging you into it. I can’t even have my own fears anymore. They’re all tangled up. You take what I give you and you just… keep it.”

 

Ren lifted his head to glare at Hux, knowing that this was too far-- he wouldn’t be able to take this back. But he didn’t care; not really. If this was all there was then why shouldn’t he say the things on his mind?

 

Hux had frozen again and the contempt fell from his face to be replaced by hurt. His lips parted around the start of a sentence, but nothing followed. The silence was thick between them and Kylo’s frustrations began to renew themselves. Why couldn’t Hux just _say something?_ Anything. The silence pained him.

 

The seconds passed and then the fight seemed to drain out of the general all at once as his shoulders dropped along with his gaze.

 

“You’re right,” Hux said quietly. “I am selfish.” When he glanced back up to Kylo’s face, his eyes held that empty look that had begun to creep into them this past week. “You have every right to hate me along with the rest of the Order.” He sidestepped Kylo and walked over to the bed, sitting down on the edge. On top of the nightstand lay a small silver case of cigarettes that Hux picked up. He took one and placed it between his lips, lighting it a moment later and taking a long drag. “You should find someone who can actually give you what you deserve.”

 

“You’re an idiot,” Ren said. “Why would either of us deserve more than this? I even _like_ this. Why would I be here if I didn’t?”

 

In a move that clearly startled Hux he knelt in front of where he sat on the bed and gazed up at him, hands folded primly in his lap.

 

“Here, look. I’m begging. This is how it’s done, isn’t it? Talk to me or tell me to leave. Don’t you dare act like it doesn’t matter one way or the other.”

 

Ren fixed the most menacing gaze in his arsenal on Hux, despite the subservience in his posture. If General Hux thought he’d seen the stubborn side of him before he was in for a shock.

 

Panic flitted behind the general’s eyes, his uncertainty of how to proceed written clearly on his face. His hand shook as he raised the cigarette to his lips, taking a slow drag in an attempt to calm himself. Smoke mingled between them on the exhale, and Kylo kept his eyes firmly locked on Hux’s.

 

“Stop,” Hux said, his voice shaking as much as his hands. He cleared his throat and said it again with more conviction. “Ren, stop. Please, get up.”

 

Ren silently refused, staying on his knees with his hands still in his lap. His frown deepened. He would stay exactly where he was until Hux talked to him.

 

Hux cursed under his breath and tipped his head back to look at the ceiling, pinching the bridge of his nose in his own frustration.

 

Kylo itched to move, to shake Hux, to yell at him until he opened up, but he resisted. Hux needed to meet him halfway and he couldn’t do that if Kylo kept rushing him. No matter how difficult it was to just wait.

 

“I’m dead.”

 

The words were so quiet, that Kylo would’ve missed them if he hadn’t been so intently focused on Hux. The general dropped his head again and looked at him with that same empty look.

 

“You have your own suffering to deal with, so I don’t expect you to deal with mine, but surely you can’t be so blind as to not see it? I’m dead, Ren. Starkiller was my charge since its inception and it failed. It failed and now that’s on me. The Supreme Leader is not forgiving of mistakes— certainly not ones that have cost us years of work and billions of credits! The moment he sends for us, you’ll begin training, and I’ll–”

 

Hux’s voice had become more impassioned with every word until he was almost shouting, but the sound died in his throat as he choked on that last thought. He pulled smoke into his lungs again and closed his eyes. When he spoke next his voice was steady.

 

“Whether or not he decides to kill me, my life is over.”

 

Ren felt the anger in him drain away to be replaced by a hollow shock.

 

“You can’t really believe that! Snoke _needs_ you.” The knight placed his hands on the general’s knees in an imploring gesture.

 

“Why would your life be over? This is as much my failure as it is yours. He’ll punish us both but he won’t kill you.”

 

Even as Ren thought about it he realized that he had no idea what the Supreme Leader would actually do. Killing Hux, though? No. It couldn’t even be considered. The whole notion was off the table. Just the thought made him want to lash out at something.

 

“Besides I wouldn’t let–” He looked down, keeping his hands locked around Hux’s kneecaps. “I would _never_ permit it,” he said, unable to meet Hux’s gaze.

 

A short, harsh laugh came from Hux that made Kylo wince. “You wouldn’t _permit_ Leader Snoke from carrying out his orders? Please.” Smoke drifted in front of Kylo and he slowly looked up only to be met with a cold gaze. “He’s your master and you’ll do as he tells you.”

 

“And he takes my wishes into consideration,” Kylo assured him, hating the tone the conversation had taken. At least Hux was talking now, small comfort though his words were.

 

“It would be a foolish reason to kill you. We share the blame in this. He knows what I’ve done. We may be punished but death would be a waste of… resources.”

 

Hux looked at Kylo incredulously, but his expression had softened somewhat. Ren wasn’t comfortable simplifying Hux down to a mere resource, but he knew it would speak to Hux’s sense of logic.

 

With his face turned away from Kylo, Hux quietly said, “I... suppose there’s truth to that.” He put his cigarette on the ashtray and scrubbed his hands over his face. Sighing, he dropped them to his lap and just sat there in contemplative silence.

 

“Besides,” Kylo added, his hands trembling a little as he awkwardly stroked Hux’s thighs. “There are things worse than death. He might even…”

 

_...force us apart permanently,_ he couldn’t say.

 

“We’re lucky to be alive, right? Focus on that. And we still have a little time. After my training I don’t know what will happen.”

 

He’d grown far too accustomed to these quarters. They’d become home in some ill-defined way that might have kept him at night if whatever the hell was going on between them hadn’t pushed away those thoughts in the quiet moments before sleep.

 

For the second time he would be pulled away from a place he thought he might belong.

 

Hesitantly, Hux looked back down at him and a bittersweet feeling twisted in Ren’s chest to see that his eyes looked less hopeless now but that they still held a pain that he longed to soothe away. His heart beat harder as Hux reached out and pushed a lock of his hair behind an ear. He automatically leaned into the touch, silently pleading with Hux to stop shutting him out. They needed each other more than ever right now. _Kylo_ needed Hux more than ever right now. He hurt enough without adding Hux to the list of things he’d lost the last two weeks.

 

Sorrow overcame Hux’s features as he lifted his other hand to Kylo’s face, cautiously tracing his thumb down the line of the fresh scar that marred his skin.

 

“I don’t want to lose you,” Hux whispered, his voice shaking almost imperceptibly.

 

Ren closed his eyes at the gentle brush against his scar. He made a decision, abruptly stood and began to undress while Hux stared at him.

 

“Doesn’t matter anymore, does it?” he muttered as he freed himself from the layers of garments he wore. “Don’t have to pretend anymore,” he added darkly.

 

“Take off your clothes,” he commanded. Hux drew back a little, staring at Kylo as though he’d lost his mind. Perhaps he had.

 

“I don’t want to fuck. I just want what we aren’t permitted before it’s too late to have it.”

 

“Ren, I–”

 

Hux cut himself off and watched Kylo as he bared himself. Still looking at him like he’d grown a second head, Hux pushed down the sleep pants he’d put on earlier and let them fall to the floor.

 

“What is this?”

 

Kylo sat on the bed and pulled Hux awkwardly into his arms. The general went limp against him—either too exhausted to protest or perhaps finally allowing himself to give into what Kylo refused to keep up a facade against. He laid them gently against the pillows, cradling Hux’s lithe body against his own. The embrace nearly engulfed the smaller man.

 

“It’s my fate to be alone,” Ren mumbled against his hair. “Snoke told me. That’s why I had to kill Solo. It’s easy when you hate someone; knowing you’ll never see them again because of what you’ve done. Mm… not really easy I suppose but… necessary,” he realized he was rambling but he couldn’t stop. “It hurt, but it was necessary. Wasn’t even supposed to hurt maybe, what do I know? Now I’m having someone else taken from me and I resent it.”

 

He hooked a leg around Hux, drew him in as close as possible.

 

“So it doesn’t matter what happens now. If I can’t have it forever I can at least have it until I can’t.”

 

This close it was easier to sense Hux’s feelings. The hopeless feeling from before still lingered but at least it was no longer suffocating. There was also fear and resentment, but Kylo didn’t know exactly what each feeling was attached to. Most importantly, however, was the feeling of comfort that pervaded his senses, making the air around them feel lighter.

 

Hux wrapped an arm around Kylo’s back and tucked the other one between their chests. Nails dug into Kylo’s skin and he pressed his lips to Hux’s forehead in response.

 

“This is only going to make it hurt worse when that time comes,” Hux murmured.

 

“Don’t care,” Kylo whispered fiercely. He pulled away a little to run the backs of his fingers against the smooth skin of Hux’s cheek. “I’ve done enough fucking. I can do it when I want and with whomever I want. Later maybe I’ll have more chances to. I’m not a Jedi.”

 

He pressed his forehead against Hux’s and drew in a shaky breath.

 

“But I’ve only ever wanted to do this with you.”

 

Hux’s eyes darted back and forth as he searched for something in Kylo’s expression. Whatever he found had him biting his lip and then trembling as all of the emotions he’d been preventing himself from feeling since Starkiller, maybe even before that, came crashing down on him. His eyes scrunched shut, gold lashed fanning across pale cheeks, and Kylo hurt for him.

 

With his eyes still shut, Hux tipped his head up and met Kylo’s lips in a kiss. It was slow and chaste, but so much more precious than any of the lust fueled ones they had previously shared. With every pass of their lips Hux relaxed further in his arms, giving in to the outpouring of emotion from Kylo. When they parted, Hux sighed and brought his hand to Kylo’s face again, stroking his thumb across his cheek.

 

Things still weren’t perfect, but this Hux was leagues better than the one who wouldn’t even look at Ren when he entered the room.

 

“You’re an idiot,” Hux said in a tired voice tinged with fondness.

 

Kylo chanced a small smile, and his heart leapt in his chest when Hux returned it. The smile was short lived as a stern look reminiscent of the General Hux that Kylo knew replaced it.

 

“If I ever meet anyone that you fuck after me, I will murder them,” he said poking his finger at Kylo’s chest. “If you get to be sentimental then so do I.”

 

“Right now I’m more afraid I’ll never meet anyone I’ll want to fuck after you. You’ve spoiled me. Bastard.” He pulled Hux back into a tender kiss, letting his fingers curl under the general’s chin to tip it up.  He let his other hand skim over the small of his back and just over the soft flesh of his buttocks.

 

“I know I said I didn’t want that right now,” he murmured against Hux’s mouth. “But I don’t think the rest of my body got the message.”

 

Hux laughed softly against him and the sound was like water in the desert, and his lips were immediately on Hux’s again. He swiped his tongue along the seam of Hux’s lips and the general opened willingly, allowing Kylo to slip in and brush across his tongue. Hux moaned in contentment and the sound went directly to his cock, making it twitch where it slowly hardened against his thigh.

 

The hand Hux had pressed against his chest wandered over to a nipple and rubbed it until it hardened before pinching it lightly between his fingers. Kylo cried out, unafraid to express his appreciation for the way Hux had taken the time to learn all of his most sensitive spots; to unwind him with deft fingers before dismantling his defenses.

 

Who would ever take this much care again? Who would bother?

 

He reached down and twined his fingers in the dense nest of red curls framing Hux’s cock; knowingly gave one strand a sharp tug and savored the noise the general made against his mouth. Hux broke the kiss with a curse, and Kylo turned his hand so he could wrap it around Hux’s erection, teasing the edge of the foreskin and slowly circling his thumb around the slit. Slim hips jerked forward as Hux’s body automatically sought friction.

 

“Kylo…”

 

“General?” Ren retorted, raising a brow. He paid special attention to the underside of the shaft, rubbing the base with his thumb. “Until we have our orders then no one can stop me from spending my free time with my hands and mouth wrapped around your cock.”

 

He fixed Hux with a knowing smile that grew wider when hands scrambled up to cup Kylo’s face and pull him into another kiss.

 

“Then what are you waiting for?” Hux murmured before dragging Kylo’s lower lip between his teeth. Kylo rolled Hux onto his back so that he was above him, thin fingers threading through dark hair.

 

This was familiar—the eager pass of hands over flesh, desperate kisses, a growing heat beneath their skin—and within that familiarity Hux let himself relax in the presence of what he knew. Kylo sighed as he felt the fear that had been plaguing Hux dissipate. In its place grew pure need and desire.

 

Roughness was their habit so Ren was pleased at the barely audible noise of pleasure Hux made when he kissed his way softly down over his chest and belly before taking that engorged cock in his warm mouth. He sucked on the tip, locking eyes with Hux as though daring him to call him out for it.  The played the game often; who would break and admit his need first. Hux rarely lost but this time the knight played to win. His tongue swirled around the head, torturing it while steadfastly refusing to dip any lower. Instead he brought a hand down to knead at his sac, keeping his touch light.

 

A low keen escaped Hux as Kylo teased him, and the hand that had stayed in his hair tightened just enough to hurt. Still maintaining eye contact, Kylo pulled back Hux’s foreskin and flicked his tongue against the bottom of the smooth head. Hux’s keen grew to a loud moan and he broke the eye contact by dropping his head back into the pillow. A plea rushed to the tip of his tongue, but he bit his lip to hold it back.

 

Kylo’s husky laugh reverberated against his partner. He would definitely win this round. His tongue followed the lip of the foreskin, licking away the first drops of precum, and he ever so gently pressed his teeth in against the shaft. He let go only so he could dip lower and mouth at Hux’s scrotum, letting his lips and tongue massage the tender skin there. A hand caressing the inside of Hux’s thigh took note of the tension there and he redoubled his efforts to draw a cry from the general.

 

Hux’s fists had dropped to the bed to twist into the sheets. Carefully, Kylo took one of his balls into his mouth and lightly sucked, drawing a strangled shout from Hux. He pulled away and went back to teasing the tip, his tongue dipping at the slit as he watched Hux’s chest rise and fall in quick pants.

 

“Kylo…” he said again, his voice coming out as a ragged whine.

 

“I’m not going to finish you like this,” Ren taunted him. He had something else in mind; something he’d always wanted to do but had never quite worked up the nerve to ask—or demand—of Hux.

 

“Lie back,” he ordered, reaching over to grab a bottle of lubricant from the bedside table. He pushed it into Hux’s hands and straddled his narrow chest facing his feet; tipping forward so that his ass was in easy reach.

 

“Work me open. I know you’ve always liked watching.” Kylo smirked over his shoulder at Hux. At first Kylo had been expected to come prepared by his own hand. Later Hux had indulged him but never at such an intimate angle.

 

It took a moment before Hux moved, still coming down from Ren’s teasing, but eventually he heard the click of the small bottle and the sound of lube being squirted onto fingers. Ren flexed and shifted a little, tipping and nudging his buttocks up to give Hux the full view.  The general liked to pretend that he was unaffected by the muscular contours of Ren’s backside but he knew better.

 

Kylo let out a happy sigh when he felt a slick finger press against his hole. Hux circled it, letting his nail lightly drag around the puckered skin before it slipped inside of him. When it was in all the way, Hux crooked his finger down to press against his prostate and Kylo’s breath hitched as he rubbed slow but firm circles there.

 

“You’re a filthy tease,” Hux drawled behind him, sounding like his usual self again. He’d collected himself and his voice was low and thick, but there was still an edge of breathlessness to it that Kylo was happy to take credit for. The finger drew back and Kylo relaxed as he felt a second one nudge at his entrance.

 

Ren’s only response was a cruel kiss to the tip of Hux’s cock. He reached down and lazily trailed his forefinger up and down the underside of the shaft, refusing to offer friction. Hux would have to earn that by opening him fully.

 

Beneath him, Hux shuddered and exhaled a puff of warm air against Ren’s backside making him grin and do it again.

 

“Incorrigible,” Hux muttered, and pushed two fingers inside of Kylo to the knuckle, drawing a short gasp from the knight. The fingers inside of him pressed down again and this time Hux rubbed his thumb against the same spot from the outside, doubling the pressure on his prostate and causing warm pleasure to ripple through his gut. “Are you trying to goad me? Because really, Kylo, two can play at that game.”

 

Hux’s other hand came up and cupped Ren’s balls, lightly massaging them in his palm as he began scissoring his fingers. Ren groaned with pleasure at the touch. Hux continued to take his time, alternating between teasing his prostate and stretching his rim until he was easily working three fingers inside of Kylo.

 

“I’m ready for you,” he murmured, wriggling against Hux’s fingers. With reluctant sigh he pulled away from the touch and then pushed himself to his knees. He worked slowly now, wanting Hux to focus on his every move. Ren lined the stiff cock up with his dripping entrance and worked his way down onto it with a lusty sigh, still facing away from Hux. He rolled back a little, eager to feel every inch as it slid into him.

 

Hux let out a muffled groan as he sank down, hands coming up to Kylo’s hips and gripping them possessively without trying to move him. Ren looked over his shoulder to see Hux staring intently at where his cock disappeared inside him, and he lifted his hips and lowered them again just to watch the way Hux’s brows drew in and his breath caught.

 

Pale green eyes snapped up to meet his and Hux raised an eyebrow.

 

“Put on a show for me,” he said in a husky voice edged with awe.

 

The words sent a jolt of arousal through Ren.

 

“As you command, General,” he purred. He leaned forward and braced himself against the bed so he could pump his hips with abandon. Each slide up the length of Hux’s cock was too achingly slow, only meant to tease. He clenched his hole, savoring the drag up the shaft and the small sputtering noises Hux made in response. A lazy smile crossed his face as he imagined the view from behind and sped up his movements.

 

“Fuck, Ren,” Hux breathed out. The hands on his hips tightened, short nails digging into the soft skin there. “So good,” he muttered. “You feel so damn good. Just like that.”

 

Kylo slowed down and clenched again as he drew up, pulling a low, drawn out moan from Hux.

 

He sucked on a finger and brought it down between Hux’s legs as he continued to work him.  The wet tip of his forefinger barely tickled at Hux’s own entrance, pressing against it delicately in time to each thrust. The general yelped behind him and his hips snapped up, slamming his cock deep inside of Ren at the unexpected touch. A sharp exhale pushed itself between Ren’s lips as he grinned.

 

“Is this the kind of show you were hoping for, General?”

 

Hux’s only response was a whine and muffled curse as he tried to angle his hips to press down onto the finger teasing his hole. His own fingers on Kylo’s hips were surely leaving bruises with how tightly Hux was holding onto him as the knight continued fucking himself on the general’s cock in earnest.

 

“Do it,” Hux breathed out behind him.

 

Ren reached for the lubricant, letting it slam into his hand as he _pulled_ it from where Hux had set it on the nightstand. He coated his finger generously before slipping it back against the tight ring of muscle, gently coaxing it open. He managed to push the tip in and wiggle it a little, provoking a desperate cry from Hux. Quickly he withdrew it and dragged it across his perineum, laughing softly as Hux wriggled in frustration.  

 

“Stars, Kylo, stop teasing,” Hux groaned as he rocked his hips up into Ren again.

 

Kylo hummed as warmth renewed itself in his gut, and he obliged Hux’s request, slipping his finger back down and sliding it into Hux. Hux’s appreciation showed itself in another moan that made Ren shiver.

 

They settled into an easy rhythm, deep and deliberate as Kylo continued to work his lover towards release with every push; every firm stroke of his finger at that sweet spot inside him. He reveled in the sensation of having that power, at least. Something to call his own. He couldn’t bring back the dead or reverse the terrible events of the immediate past. Couldn’t erase Hux’s mistakes or even his own. But he could give him this small pleasure; this bright spot to focus on to keep his mind from turning in desperate circles that would only lead to ruin.

 

“Hux” he gasped, not meaning to say his name aloud. He tightened around the slow slide of the general’s erection, soothed that little node with the tip of his finger. Maybe this, finally, was all he could offer anyone.

 

“Kylo, please,” Hux said, sounding ruined, behind him. “I’m so close.”

 

Ren bore down, building speed again and gripping the general as tightly as he could. He _felt_ Hux’s release before he felt it.  Even before the broken cry behind him. Like a pot boiling over, the ecstasy of it flooded Ren’s mind before receding like a wave. He rode that wave into his own orgasm; coming untouched from the sweet friction of Hux inside him and the spasm of his passage clenching at Ren’s finger.

 

Hux’s cries were unhindered as the pleasure washed through him, and it filled Kylo with relief in turn to know that Hux was being open with him again, even if it was just in this act. The hands on his hips had released their vice grip and were stroking reverent paths up to his waist as they came down together from the high of the orgasm.

 

Kylo carefully slid off of Hux and crawled back to the top of the bed. The general always softened a bit in the afterglow. Easy to talk then. But not about anything important.

 

The knight drew him tenderly into his arms and indulged himself by pressing small chaste kisses against his cheek, chin, nose, and forehead before lingering at the lips; asking for more without saying a word.

 

Hux sighed and relaxed into the kiss, pliant as expected under his touch. He reached up to cup the knight’s cheek in his hand, drawing his thumb almost reverently over his cheekbone. When Kylo pulled back to look at him, Hux had a wistful look that he wasn’t entirely sure what to make of.

 

Hux’s lips parted, about to speak, but then he closed them again, drawing the lower one into his mouth and worrying it between his teeth as he looked into Ren’s eyes.

 

After a few moments of silence he quietly said, “We should fight to keep this. Snoke be damned.”

 

Ren’s eyes lit up even as his heart sank. Of course. That was the only real option here. All that was left was to say it aloud.

 

“Hux,” he began, reaching for the other’s hand. He couldn’t quite look him in the eye but that was alright. All he had to do was say it.

 

“I’ve been Snoke’s for a long time. But when I think about you it occurs to me that I can’t serve two causes; two masters.

 

Would you like it if… could I…” Ren swallowed, prepared himself for whatever Hux might say.

 

“If I wanted to belong to you instead, would you have me?”

 

Still not meeting his eyes directly, he could see Hux’s chest start to rise and fall a little quicker and his own chest tightened in anticipation of his words. The hand on his cheek moved down, and Hux curled his fingers under Kylo’s chin to tilt his head up. Pale green eyes darted back and forth between his, searching for sincerity.

 

“Are you sure?” Hux asked, his expression serious. “I can’t help you train the way Snoke does.”

 

“You can teach me other things. Things I don’t want to live without anymore. I don’t think you want to live without them either. What’s my life going to be without you in it? What would the point of it be?”

 

He leaned in until their faces almost touched, his own dark eyes meeting Hux’s gaze and refusing to look away.

 

“There is always a path to the force for those who seek it. But I feel– I _know_  that no one’s ever going to look at me the way you do.”

 

Hux’s breathing quickened, light pants of air ghosting across his lips as he held his gaze firm. The hand under his chin rested against his chest now and he knew Hux would be able to feel his own heart beating too quickly beneath his ribs. There was a hope behind Hux’s eyes that was hesitant to come out, but Kylo could sense it burgeoning within the general and the feeling bled over to him as well.

 

A small smile quirked the corner of Hux’s mouth. “Snoke really is going to kill us now,” he muttered dryly.

 

The distance between them closed as Hux pressed a lingering kiss against Kylo’s lips.

 

“Yes,” Hux breathed. “Of course I would have you.”

 

“Good," Kylo said as relief flooded into him. "Snoke’s taken a lot from me over the years—a lot out of me. Necessary, most of it. But after this…”  Starkiller. Han Solo. The Girl. _Failure._

 

“There’s a line I won’t let him cross again. No one is allowed to take anything I love from me ever again.  Do you understand?”

 

Hux was shaking as he sighed and nodded in acknowledgement of Ren’s admission.

 

All of this was the most open either of them had ever been with each other since they’d started sleeping together. Emotions had always been of minimal importance, but with the trauma they’d both experienced in the past few weeks, it was impossible to avoid discussing of them. They’d started out ignoring how much they needed each other during this time and it had almost broken Hux.

 

“So what does this mean for the immediate future? He’s going to send us coordinates eventually and expect you to finish your training while I…” Hux dropped his gaze and swallowed. “While I deal with whatever punishment he hands out to me.”

 

“He’ll send us the coordinates. You’ll never have to see him again. Let me take care of it. If I can’t save myself at least I can save you. You know it’s the only choice we have. I won’t let him separate us.”

 

Hux’s eyes flicked back up to his, a fierce look growing in them.

 

“No,” he said sternly. “You’re not allowed to separate us either. You’re a terrible strategist, did you know that?”

 

His gaze softened and he kissed the corner of Kylo’s mouth. “We’ll come up with another way.”

 

“I trust you,” Kylo said, leaning in for another kiss and and trying to quash the feeling building in his gut that threatened to overwhelm him. At least until he was alone. At least until…

 

“Hux,” he said suddenly.  His hands were trembling as he took each of the general’s hands in his own.

 

“I’m free.”

 

Hux’s eyebrow quirked up as he looked from their joined hands to Kylo’s face.

 

“How do you mean?”

 

“I’m not worried about what he’s going to do to me. None of it matters anymore. We’ll be together or we’ll die together.”

 

Kylo wasn’t expecting Hux’s laughter and frowned as the other man smiled fondly.

 

“You’re dramatic _and_ a terrible strategist. We’ll be together. End of story. If it was just you or just me, we wouldn’t stand a chance. Together, though, we hold all of Snoke’s extended forces. Together we can win.”

 

Kylo gazed at him.  “Do you mean that?”

 

“Yes, you idiot,” Hux said, still smiling as he leaned in for a quick kiss. “The Order existed before Snoke and it’ll exist after him. It won’t be easy, but I swear to you we will be together.”

 

“I believe you.” Ren reached out to pull him into a proper embrace, suddenly desperate for that extra reassurance. He’d just pledged his life to his general and he wanted—no, _needed_ —to feel as though he were part of a whole.  As though he and Hux could be one.

 

A hand settled on the back of his head and fingers rubbed soothingly through his hair. As he relaxed into the embrace, Kylo noticed that the air around them had lightened considerably since Hux had first walked through the door. Hux was almost back to his usual self again and that more than anything gave him hope that they could do this.

 

Abruptly, Hux stiffened and the hand in his hair stopped mid-stroke. Kylo pulled his head from Hux’s shoulder to see what was wrong, noticing a glint in Hux’s eyes.

 

“I need to go,” he said quickly, sitting up and throwing his legs over the side of the bed.

 

Kylo’s stomach twisted in worry.

 

“What? Why?”

 

Hux stood and looked at Kylo incredulously before walking towards the closet.

 

“Do you have any idea how much work goes into staging a proper coup? First we need to get the Order back on its feet. I thought for sure I’d be removed from power and that Snoke would hand it down that incompetent Colonel Datoo, so I wanted to make life hell for him when he was first instated, but now it’s on me again to pull it back together.”

 

Hux opened one of the drawers and pulled out a pair of briefs, stepping into them as he talked.

 

“There’s so much that needs to be done there and that’s not even the beginning of it. We need to know who’s loyal to me and who’s loyal to Snoke. You’ll have to do the bulk of that, though I already know of some people who can’t be trusted with this.”

 

Balancing on one foot, Hux stumbled a little as he pulled up one sock, catching himself on the dresser so he didn’t fall. Kylo hid his smile behind a hand.

 

“What kind of weaponry do you think would be effective against him? You just brush blasters aside so I’m assuming he can do the same, though perhaps it would be a different story if we had a full squadron and–”

 

“Hux,” Kylo said.

 

“–your knights if they can be relied upon. It really would be best if they were loyal to you rather than Snoke, because any Force user would be an asset to our cause. Moreover, they’d be a danger to our cause if they were against–”

 

“ _Hux_ ,” Kylo said a little louder. Hux finally paused and looked at him, indignant at having been interrupted. “We can start tomorrow. You need to rest.”

 

Hux huffed and turned back towards the closet to grab a pair of pants. “I’m fine. We don’t know when we’ll next be welcomed to Snoke’s planet, so this is probably the best opportunity we’ll get to attack. You should be getting up too– hey!”

 

Kylo had gotten out of bed and come up behind Hux as he was busy plotting, wrapping his arms around his waist and bodily picking him up. The pants that had been halfway up Hux’s legs fell to the ground as he struggled to no avail in Kylo’s grip. He set Hux on the bed, careful to keep a hand on him so he couldn’t get back up as he crawled into bed himself, dragging Hux down and pulling the covers over both of them.

 

“Tomorrow,” Kylo insisted again.

 

Hux sighed in frustration and Kylo grinned.

 

“Fine, but we need to get up early,” Hux muttered as he let Ren hug him close.

 

Still grinning, Ren pressed a kiss to Hux’s forehead and then called the lights to zero percent. As he held Hux in the dark with the other man’s head tucked beneath his chin, running his hand absently along Hux’s back, he truly felt whole for the first time. He had Hux and he would keep him until his dying breath. No one—not Snoke, not his past, and not the Resistance—would be able to keep them apart.

 

The minutes stretched on as they lay in each other’s arms and just as he was on the verge of sleep he heard Hux whisper a small, “Thank you.”

 

He tightened his arms around Hux, silently promising that he’d never let go.


End file.
